Having a Blonde Moment

I'm really quite an intelligent person, honest! But this question has always bugged me...

If people evolved from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys?

Like, some evolved into humans and some didn't? If so, why?

Is this a reasonable question or am I sounding really stupid right now?

I'm going to moderate comments on this post, but only so you don't see what others have written and I get your honest reaction to this!

When I get at least ten comments I'll publish them all and you can read each others thoughts. Just PLEASE put me out of my misery!!

I Forgot to Remember to Forget

On Sunday 8th November my blog was a whole year old! Go, bloggy!

And...I missed it. Forgot all about it. I didn't even remember to choose the winners of the competition I started last month.

I suck, I know.

But since I haven't blogged much in the past month – and even went for two weeks without blogging at all – I'm going to extend the deadline a bit.

The competition winners will be 1. the person who comments the most on my blog posts (from the date I started the contest until I decide it's over in a few posts' time) and 2. the person who makes me laugh the most in their comments.

So if you want to join in, you've still got time!

And a big happy birthday to *PINKNIC'S PLANET*! I can't believe it's been a year already! Here's to many more!

Rememer, Remember, the Fifth of November

So today in the UK we celebrate Guy Fawkes Day – and it's kind of a big deal over here. Guy Fawkes is the only English criminal ever to have a holiday named after him. Have you ever heard of Sweeney Todd Day or even Jack the Ripper Week? Exactly.

I don't know how much the rest of the world knows about Guy Fawkes so at the risk of insulting your intelligence, here's a brief history:

Guy Fawkes (1570 – 1606) belonged to a group of Catholic restorationists from England who planned the Gunpowder Plot of 1605. Their aim was to displace Protestant rule by blowing up the Houses of Parliament while King James I and the entire Protestant aristocracy and nobility were inside.

Fawkes was put in charge of the Gunpowder Plot's execution on 5 November. He was arrested a few hours before the planned explosion, during a search of the cellars underneath Parliament prompted by the receipt of an anonymous warning letter. He was then tortured until he gave the names of the other plotters and they were all hanged.

Guy Fawkes Night (or Bonfire Night) is a commemoration of the plot during which an effigy of Fawkes is burned on a bonfire, often accompanied by a fireworks display.


That's right, we get fireworks! And sparklers! And bonfires to burn things on! (great for pyromaniacs) And parties! And lots of yummy food and drink!

And it's all thanks to Mr Fawkes and his team. Although I kind of wish they'd succeeded in blowing up Parliament. That probably makes me unpatriotic (and now quite likely to be arrested) but I just think it would've made history a lot more interesting, rather than learning about something that didn't quite happen.

In fact, in 2002 Fawkes was voted #30 in a Greatest Britons poll so I think that means a lot of people agree with me. If we all hated him for what he (almost) did then we wouldn't have put him on that pedestal!

Wow, the English are f*cked up.

Happy Bonfire Night to anyone who's celebrating!

Naked China Girls? Say What?

It's time again for me to showcase some of the many freaks out there in cyberspace!

I tend to do one of these posts every two months or so, although I get so many effed up searches leading to my blog that I could probably do one every two weeks. But I won't.

If you want to read my previous posts about this, click here, here and here. Or just read this one and be amused by the latest bunch of losers and their stupid searches!

1. Perverted words for vagina
And we're off! I'm hoping this person realised how sad they are and Googled the next phrase...

2. I'm so lame
I'd have to agree. Anyone who actually Googles 'I'm so lame' must be.

3. Perverted Google searches
Today's your lucky day. Just keep reading.

4. Talk to naked china girls
How did this even lead to my blog? I have never mentioned 'talking to naked China girls'.

5. Tied my friend up made her pee
...You sick weirdo.

6. Why would a guy chat up a hot woman if he didnt really want to date her
I think I can answer this one. You see, men like to have their egos massaged and also enjoy the thrill of the chase. So, getting you to like him enough to give him your number is a challenge, and he gets an ego boost when he succeeds. But once he's achieved that aim, he quickly loses interest and moves onto the next challenge. Am I right?

7. Guys masturbation
I think what you're looking for is a porn site.

8. Lolitas vaginas
Please just go away.

9. Nic of hot fully naked babe
Move along; nothing to see here. (If you want naked pics of me, go speak to some of my exes.)

10. Guy jacks off in car
Well, thanks for telling me.

11. Turned on by smear test
Really? Because in my experience, there's nothing at all sexy about another woman shoving a cold metal clamp up your hoo-ha.

12. Want a guy to dress up
I suppose it depends on what you want him to dress up as. If you had something like a fireman in mind then more power to ya, sister. But if you were thinking more along the lines of getting him to dress up as a sheep, then that's just creepy.

13. Masturbation experiences outside
...Can't say I've ever had any.

14. Interesting old people
Old?! How rude! I've never been so offended in my life.

15. What do 80 year old men do for fun
To be honest, I really don't want to know.

16. Hot bisexual movie
I think, like #7, you'd be more at home watching porn than reading my blog.

17. You believe in pink? what that it exists
Umm...yes?

18. Sexy halloween nics
What? That doesn't even make sense.

19. Scandalous care bear costumes
Ok, I did post a pic of a slutty Care Bear costume on here, but that was because I found it weird - and now I think it's disturbing that someone was actually specifically looking for one.

20. Lessons i learned the hard way
Here's one: There will always be perverted freaks loose on the internet, and somehow they will always end up at my blog.

I've Had Enough of Your Jibber Jabber!

They really do exist! And not just in my head!

I had a flashback recently – I don't know where it came from, but suddenly and out of the blue one day last week the memory of Jibba Jabbers popped into my head. Remember those? They were toy dolls with crazy haircuts and neon clothes (so nineties!) and which made a noise that sounded like they were saying “Jibber jabber” when you shook them. They were only, like, the coolest thing ever.

I shared my memory with a few of my friends and work colleagues but none of them remembered these amazing toys. One person even suggested I had a 'false memory' of the things and must have dreamed it or something. Now, my dreams are sometimes weird but theres no way I could've dreamt up Jibba Jabbers. I'm not on acid or anything.

For some support, I turned to my mum. She'd definitely remember, considering I actually had one of these dolls and used to drive her insane with the constant noise. But, no. She thought I was taking the piss (for you non-Brits, that means winding her up, having her on, trying to trick her, etc).

By this point I was at my wits' end. I knew I was right! So, just to prove a point to all those who thought I was making it up – and to prove to myself that I'm not actually going insane (I had my doubts for a minute there) – I Googled Jibba Jabber toy and found this video! Hurray!

Watch it, dammit. It's only like 15 seconds long.
And hilarious.

I hate to say this (actually I love it) but doubters...I told you so! That's one-nil to Nic, I think.

The 1990s was a simpler time, I guess, when just a brightly-coloured, squeaking doll was enough to entertain a child for several hours.

Does anyone else remember these wicked cool toys? Did you have one? If you did, I salute you. We were the cool kids of our generation.

You're Ugly and Tomorrow I'll Be Sober

One of my heroes is Sir Winston Churchill. He was a very determined, inspirational man and a fantastic leader for my country - but also a very witty person.

There are literally hundreds of quotes attributed to Churchill but here are just a few of my favourites. Ideally you would read them all but I won't mind if you skim (as long as you promise to read all the 'put-downs' at the end; they're quite hilarious).

Humorous

“In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.”

“I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.”

“I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

“I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.”

“However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.”

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”

“Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.”

“A nation trying to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to pull himself up by the handles.”

“Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm.”

“When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticise or attack the Government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home.”

“Although prepared for martyrdom, I prefer that it be postponed.”

“Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.”

“I am prepared to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”

“I am certainly not one of those who needs to be prodded. In fact, if anything, I am the prod.”

Inspirational

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

“Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning.”

“Never give in. Never, never, never, never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”

“You may have to fight when there is no chance of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves.”

"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."

"It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time."

“One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half.”

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

“We shall not flag nor fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France and on the seas and oceans; we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air. We shall defend our island whatever the cost may be; we shall fight on beaches, landing grounds, in fields, in streets and on the hills. We shall never surrender!”


Put-Downs

"What could you hope to achieve, except to be sunk in a bigger and more expensive ship this time?"
To Admiral Mountbatten

“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.”
On Clement Attlee

"He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened."
On Stanley Baldwin

"I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived."
On Stanley Baldwin, again

Lady Astor: Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison.
Churchill: Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it.

“If Hitler invaded hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.”
On Adolf Hitler

Bessie Braddock: Winston, you’re drunk!
Churchill: Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober.

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
On Sir Stafford Cripps

“He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath.”
On Charles De Gaulle

“If you wanted nothing done at all, he was the man for the job.”
On Arthur Balfour

Man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.

“My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.”
On Clementine Churchill

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Woman: My goodness, Mr Churchill…well, I suppose…we would have to discuss terms, of course…
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Woman: Mr Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

Which historical figure(s) do you admire, and what are some of your fave quotes?

Guess Who's Back...

That’s right, bitches. You don’t get rid of me that easily! But seriously...two weeks? Has it really been that long since I last updated here? That’s ridiculous!

In my defence, I have had a lot to deal with this past fortnight and haven’t had any time at all to blog – which really sucks because writing and reading blogs is like my favourite thing in the whole world!

But enough about me...how have you all been? What have I missed in blogland?

Now things have settled down a bit round here, I’m gonna try really hard to catch up on all your blog posts and I promise to be a better, back-to-my-old-self blogger from now on! In fact, my next post will be tomorrow so watch out!

I'm so excited to be back!!