PINKNIC'S PLANET

It's Exactly a Month Until Christmas

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 17:39:00 +0000

I'm just sayin'.

So, what's on your list to Santa?

What Kind of Blogger Are You?

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Thu, 19 Nov 2009 18:40:00 +0000

I found a quiz called What's Your Blogging Personality? on blogthings.com and couldn't resist taking it! Here's my result:

Your Blogging Type is Confident and Insightful

You've got a ton of brain power, and you leverage it into brilliant blog.
Both creative and logical, you come up with amazing ideas and insights.
A total perfectionist, you find yourself revising and rewriting posts a lot of the time.
You blog for yourself - and you don't care how popular your blog is!

What's Your Blogging Personality?

I love this result. Well, why wouldn't I? I love anyone who tells me I have 'a ton of brainpower' and 'a brilliant blog'!

But seriously, I agree with most of the things it said about me, because:

1. I like to think of myself as both logical (solving problems, etc) and creative (I love making stuff).
2. I'm always trying to come up with fun new ideas for things, especially my blog.
3. I'm definitely a perfectionist - you wouldn't believe how long it takes me to write, revise and re-write a post. This obsessive streak extends to all areas of my life - my motto is, "Do you want it done quickly, or do you want it done well?"
4. I love writing so I do blog for myself (but I also like to entertain people and am grateful to all my readers!)

Why don't you take the quiz then let us all know your blogging personality and whether you're happy with the result!

Super Fofo!

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Wed, 18 Nov 2009 14:00:00 +0000

Thanks to Caro for giving me the Super Cute Blog Award!

It's so pretty! I'll add it to my virtual shelf of blog awards, which is actually beginning to creak under the pressure. You guys are too kind!

I can't remember the rules for this award so I'm just going to pass it on to some blogs I think are cute...

1. ChinkyMel's Corner
2. Musings of the Corybantic Painted Nails
3. Confessions of a Twenty Something Year-Old
4. Hazy Pink Thoughts
5. The CattPrez Project

Enjoy your award, guys!

Presents for Everyone!

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 22:45:00 +0000

Today is an exciting day in Nic's world!

As I mentioned in this post, *PinkNic's Planet* recently passed the one-year mark. And to celebrate my first bloggiversary, I'm giving out presents!

The presents are actually prizes for the competition winners, who I'm going to reveal right now!

The prize for Committed Commenter goes to Nashe at Your Cookie Jar for leaving the most comments on my posts since the start of the competition. She also regularly commented before that so I know she wasn't just in it to win it!

The prize for Comedy Commenter goes to ScoMan at A Name in Your Recollection who made me laugh the most with his comments. He's a very funny guy - check out his blog if you don't believe me!

In my original post I also said that two runners-up would receive a card from me - and those lucky people are Ambar (for leaving the second most amount of comments) and Andhari (for her funny comment on my monkey post!)

And I'm giving a bonus gift to Ms Salti because 1. she's sending me a book thong (yes, I said a book thong. Cool, right?) and 2. she has a milestone birthday on the horizon! I'm not telling you her age...let's just say she'll be too old to be a member of Twenty-Something Bloggers. Oops, did I just give it away?

Congratulations to all the winners...I'll be in touch with you asap to get your postal addresses to send your special personalised presents!

Friday Discussion!

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 19:50:00 +0000

Do you believe in Friday the 13th?

By which I mean, do you think this day brings bad luck?

Has anything bad or spooky ever happened to you on this day?

Having a Blonde Moment

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Wed, 11 Nov 2009 21:00:00 +0000

I'm really quite an intelligent person, honest! But this question has always bugged me...

If people evolved from monkeys, then why are there still monkeys?

Like, some evolved into humans and some didn't? If so, why?

Is this a reasonable question or am I sounding really stupid right now?

I'm going to moderate comments on this post, but only so you don't see what others have written and I get your honest reaction to this!

When I get at least ten comments I'll publish them all and you can read each others thoughts. Just PLEASE put me out of my misery!!

I Forgot to Remember to Forget

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 21:00:00 +0000

On Sunday 8th November my blog was a whole year old! Go, bloggy!

And...I missed it. Forgot all about it. I didn't even remember to choose the winners of the competition I started last month.

I suck, I know.

But since I haven't blogged much in the past month – and even went for two weeks without blogging at all – I'm going to extend the deadline a bit.

The competition winners will be 1. the person who comments the most on my blog posts (from the date I started the contest until I decide it's over in a few posts' time) and 2. the person who makes me laugh the most in their comments.

So if you want to join in, you've still got time!

And a big happy birthday to *PINKNIC'S PLANET*! I can't believe it's been a year already! Here's to many more!

Rememer, Remember, the Fifth of November

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 13:15:00 +0000

So today in the UK we celebrate Guy Fawkes Day – and it's kind of a big deal over here. Guy Fawkes is the only English criminal ever to have a holiday named after him. Have you ever heard of Sweeney Todd Day or even Jack the Ripper Week? Exactly.

I don't know how much the rest of the world knows about Guy Fawkes so at the risk of insulting your intelligence, here's a brief history:

Guy Fawkes (1570 – 1606) belonged to a group of Catholic restorationists from England who planned the Gunpowder Plot of 1605. Their aim was to displace Protestant rule by blowing up the Houses of Parliament while King James I and the entire Protestant aristocracy and nobility were inside.

Fawkes was put in charge of the Gunpowder Plot's execution on 5 November. He was arrested a few hours before the planned explosion, during a search of the cellars underneath Parliament prompted by the receipt of an anonymous warning letter. He was then tortured until he gave the names of the other plotters and they were all hanged.

Guy Fawkes Night (or Bonfire Night) is a commemoration of the plot during which an effigy of Fawkes is burned on a bonfire, often accompanied by a fireworks display.

That's right, we get fireworks! And sparklers! And bonfires to burn things on! (great for pyromaniacs) And parties! And lots of yummy food and drink!

And it's all thanks to Mr Fawkes and his team. Although I kind of wish they'd succeeded in blowing up Parliament. That probably makes me unpatriotic (and now quite likely to be arrested) but I just think it would've made history a lot more interesting, rather than learning about something that didn't quite happen.

In fact, in 2002 Fawkes was voted #30 in a Greatest Britons poll so I think that means a lot of people agree with me. If we all hated him for what he (almost) did then we wouldn't have put him on that pedestal!

Wow, the English are f*cked up.

Happy Bonfire Night to anyone who's celebrating!

Naked China Girls? Say What?

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 11:50:00 +0000

It's time again for me to showcase some of the many freaks out there in cyberspace!

I tend to do one of these posts every two months or so, although I get so many effed up searches leading to my blog that I could probably do one every two weeks. But I won't.

If you want to read my previous posts about this, click here, here and here. Or just read this one and be amused by the latest bunch of losers and their stupid searches!

1. Perverted words for vagina
And we're off! I'm hoping this person realised how sad they are and Googled the next phrase...

2. I'm so lame
I'd have to agree. Anyone who actually Googles 'I'm so lame' must be.

3. Perverted Google searches
Today's your lucky day. Just keep reading.

4. Talk to naked china girls
How did this even lead to my blog? I have never mentioned 'talking to naked China girls'.

5. Tied my friend up made her pee
...You sick weirdo.

6. Why would a guy chat up a hot woman if he didnt really want to date her
I think I can answer this one. You see, men like to have their egos massaged and also enjoy the thrill of the chase. So, getting you to like him enough to give him your number is a challenge, and he gets an ego boost when he succeeds. But once he's achieved that aim, he quickly loses interest and moves onto the next challenge. Am I right?

7. Guys masturbation
I think what you're looking for is a porn site.

8. Lolitas vaginas
Please just go away.

9. Nic of hot fully naked babe
Move along; nothing to see here. (If you want naked pics of me, go speak to some of my exes.)

10. Guy jacks off in car
Well, thanks for telling me.

11. Turned on by smear test
Really? Because in my experience, there's nothing at all sexy about another woman shoving a cold metal clamp up your hoo-ha.

12. Want a guy to dress up
I suppose it depends on what you want him to dress up as. If you had something like a fireman in mind then more power to ya, sister. But if you were thinking more along the lines of getting him to dress up as a sheep, then that's just creepy.

13. Masturbation experiences outside
...Can't say I've ever had any.

14. Interesting old people
Old?! How rude! I've never been so offended in my life.

15. What do 80 year old men do for fun
To be honest, I really don't want to know.

16. Hot bisexual movie
I think, like #7, you'd be more at home watching porn than reading my blog.

17. You believe in pink? what that it exists
Umm...yes?

18. Sexy halloween nics
What? That doesn't even make sense.

19. Scandalous care bear costumes
Ok, I did post a pic of a slutty Care Bear costume on here, but that was because I found it weird - and now I think it's disturbing that someone was actually specifically looking for one.

20. Lessons i learned the hard way
Here's one: There will always be perverted freaks loose on the internet, and somehow they will always end up at my blog.

I've Had Enough of Your Jibber Jabber!

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 13:10:00 +0000

They really do exist! And not just in my head!

I had a flashback recently – I don't know where it came from, but suddenly and out of the blue one day last week the memory of Jibba Jabbers popped into my head. Remember those? They were toy dolls with crazy haircuts and neon clothes (so nineties!) and which made a noise that sounded like they were saying “Jibber jabber” when you shook them. They were only, like, the coolest thing ever.

I shared my memory with a few of my friends and work colleagues but none of them remembered these amazing toys. One person even suggested I had a 'false memory' of the things and must have dreamed it or something. Now, my dreams are sometimes weird but theres no way I could've dreamt up Jibba Jabbers. I'm not on acid or anything.

For some support, I turned to my mum. She'd definitely remember, considering I actually had one of these dolls and used to drive her insane with the constant noise. But, no. She thought I was taking the piss (for you non-Brits, that means winding her up, having her on, trying to trick her, etc).

By this point I was at my wits' end. I knew I was right! So, just to prove a point to all those who thought I was making it up – and to prove to myself that I'm not actually going insane (I had my doubts for a minute there) – I Googled Jibba Jabber toy and found this video! Hurray!

Watch it, dammit. It's only like 15 seconds long.
And hilarious.

I hate to say this (actually I love it) but doubters...I told you so! That's one-nil to Nic, I think.

The 1990s was a simpler time, I guess, when just a brightly-coloured, squeaking doll was enough to entertain a child for several hours.

Does anyone else remember these wicked cool toys? Did you have one? If you did, I salute you. We were the cool kids of our generation.

You're Ugly and Tomorrow I'll Be Sober

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Wed, 28 Oct 2009 11:00:00 +0000

One of my heroes is Sir Winston Churchill. He was a very determined, inspirational man and a fantastic leader for my country - but also a very witty person.

There are literally hundreds of quotes attributed to Churchill but here are just a few of my favourites. Ideally you would read them all but I won't mind if you skim (as long as you promise to read all the 'put-downs' at the end; they're quite hilarious).

Humorous

“In war it does not matter who is right, but who is left.”

“I'm just preparing my impromptu remarks.”

“I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.”

“I am always ready to learn although I do not always like being taught.”

“However beautiful the strategy, you should occasionally look at the results.”

“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”

“Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.”

“A nation trying to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to pull himself up by the handles.”

“Success is going from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm.”

“When I am abroad I always make it a rule never to criticise or attack the Government of my country. I make up for lost time when I am at home.”

“Although prepared for martyrdom, I prefer that it be postponed.”

“Don't talk to me about naval tradition. It's nothing but rum, sodomy and the lash.”

“I am prepared to meet my maker. Whether my maker is prepared for the great ordeal of meeting me is another matter.”

“I am certainly not one of those who needs to be prodded. In fact, if anything, I am the prod.”

Inspirational

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”

“Let our advance worrying become advance thinking and planning.”

“Never give in. Never, never, never, never – in nothing, great or small, large or petty – never give in, except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.”

“You may have to fight when there is no chance of victory, because it is better to perish than to live as slaves.”

"Every day you may make progress. Every step may be fruitful. Yet there will stretch out before you an ever-lengthening, ever-ascending, ever-improving path. You know you will never get to the end of the journey. But this, so far from discouraging, only adds to the joy and glory of the climb."

"It is a mistake to try to look too far ahead. The chain of destiny can only be grasped one link at a time."

“One ought never to turn one's back on a threatened danger and try to run away from it. If you do that, you will double the danger. But if you meet it promptly and without flinching, you will reduce the danger by half.”

"A pessimist sees the difficulty in every opportunity; an optimist sees the opportunity in every difficulty."

“We shall not flag nor fail. We shall go on to the end. We shall fight in France and on the seas and oceans; we shall fight with growing confidence and growing strength in the air. We shall defend our island whatever the cost may be; we shall fight on beaches, landing grounds, in fields, in streets and on the hills. We shall never surrender!”

Put-Downs

"What could you hope to achieve, except to be sunk in a bigger and more expensive ship this time?"
To Admiral Mountbatten

“A modest man, who has much to be modest about.”
On Clement Attlee

"He occasionally stumbled over the truth, but hastily picked himself up and hurried on as if nothing had happened."
On Stanley Baldwin

"I wish Stanley Baldwin no ill, but it would have been much better if he had never lived."
On Stanley Baldwin, again

Lady Astor: Winston, if you were my husband I would flavour your coffee with poison.
Churchill: Madam, if I were your husband, I would drink it.

“If Hitler invaded hell, I would make at least a favourable reference to the devil in the House of Commons.”
On Adolf Hitler

Bessie Braddock: Winston, you’re drunk!
Churchill: Bessie, you're ugly, and tomorrow morning I shall be sober.

“He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.”
On Sir Stafford Cripps

“He looks like a female llama who has been surprised in the bath.”
On Charles De Gaulle

“If you wanted nothing done at all, he was the man for the job.”
On Arthur Balfour

Man (after seeing Churchill leave the bathroom without washing his hands): At Eton they taught us to wash our hands after using the toilet.
Churchill: At Harrow they taught us not to piss on our hands.

“My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked.”
On Clementine Churchill

Churchill: Madam, would you sleep with me for five million pounds?
Woman: My goodness, Mr Churchill…well, I suppose…we would have to discuss terms, of course…
Churchill: Would you sleep with me for five pounds?
Woman: Mr Churchill, what kind of woman do you think I am?!
Churchill: Madam, we’ve already established that. Now we are haggling about the price.

Which historical figure(s) do you admire, and what are some of your fave quotes?

Guess Who's Back...

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 09:45:00 +0000

That’s right, bitches. You don’t get rid of me that easily! But seriously...two weeks? Has it really been that long since I last updated here? That’s ridiculous!

In my defence, I have had a lot to deal with this past fortnight and haven’t had any time at all to blog – which really sucks because writing and reading blogs is like my favourite thing in the whole world!

But enough about me...how have you all been? What have I missed in blogland?

Now things have settled down a bit round here, I’m gonna try really hard to catch up on all your blog posts and I promise to be a better, back-to-my-old-self blogger from now on! In fact, my next post will be tomorrow so watch out!

I'm so excited to be back!!

The News in Briefs...I Mean Brief

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 11:35:00 +0000

1. It's Monday and I have a headache. (What? I didn't say it was going to be interesting news!)

2. Lisa at The Blonde Blogette gave me an award!

Thanks Lisa, I'm honoured! And I'm passing this one on to all my new followers to say thanks for reading - so if you want it, just take it!

3. I'm currently reading Michael J Fox's autobiography, Lucky Man. It's very inspiring. Get yourself a copy and prepare to be awestruck!

4. A quick reminder about the giveaway. If you missed the rules last week, click here!

5. I'm going to end this post with a Boyzone video in memory of the lovely Stephen Gately. RIP.

Friday Discussion!

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 17:35:00 +0000

It's that time again! And this week's question is:

Do you prefer coffee...

...or tea?

FREE STUFF!

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 19:55:00 +0000

I am very proud to announce that in a month's time, *PinkNic's Planet* will be one year old! And I'm going to celebrate by sending out some presents (surely that's the wrong way round, I should be getting the presents from you, but whatever – I'm generous like that!)

Like I said in my vlog last month, I'm really grateful to everyone who reads this blog. So I'd like to say thank you by hosting a giveaway for my loyal followers. Everyone loves a giveaway! And I love COMMENTS, I'm not ashamed to admit it! So I've decided to base my giveaway on your comments.

You have from now until 7 November 2009 (that's a month) to enter and I will pick the winners from these two categories:

1. Committed Commenter – This will be the person who leaves the most comments on my blog in the next month.

2. Comedy Commenter – The person who makes me laugh the most in the next month, either through amusing comments on multiple posts or by one incredibly witty comment that makes me wet myself laughing.

A few rules: You can comment more than once on a single post, but you can't leave duplicate comments. I don't want to log in to find one person leaving the same comment over and over again! I also don't want one- or two-word comments, such as “I'm commenting” or “Nice blog”. They have to have something to do with the post I've written. This may sound slightly harsh but they're MY rules and the prizes will be worth it!

The prizes will be bought with the winners in mind, so they will be more personal. I'll also send both winners - and one runner-up in each category - a thank you card to say thanks for following, reading, commenting and taking part in the competition. See, I have a lot to say thank you for!

I will announce the winners on 8 November 2009, my first bloggiversary! So get commenting straight away; this post counts towards the total!

Whoring it Up for Halloween

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Sun, 04 Oct 2009 14:20:00 +0000

If you follow me on Twitter you might know that I've been looking for a ~~slutty~~ sexy costume to wear for Halloween this year. I haven't had much luck with the shops near where I live, so I decided to Google Sexy Halloween Costumes to see what I could find. I was not prepared for the results it threw up.

There were the usual costumes: witches, nurses, schoolgirls, air stewardesses, bunnies and so on...but I also found a few slightly more ridiculous ones. Here are my favourites:

1. Sexy Care Bear

It was my childhood ambition to be a Care Bear when I grew up (yes, really) so I guess that dream can now come true. I never imagined I would have to be Prostitute Bear though. I'm surprised the picture on the tummy isn't of a huge cock.

2. Sexy German Girl

Apparently, this is how the world imagines people from Germany dress. Just like Scots wear kilts all the time, English folk dress as morris dancers and the Irish all look like leprechauns (for the record, they had all those costumes in stock, too).

3. Sexy Sherlock Holmes

I don't get it. What is hot about a chick dressing up as an old, fat, pipe-smoking English detective? Someone please give me a clue.

4. Sexy Ghost

SEXY? I beg to differ! This is the most Halloween-y costume so far, I'll give it that, but there's nothing desirable about it. It's terrifying.

5. Sexy Santa

What? Why is this even in with the Halloween merchandise?

6. Sexy Straitjacket

I don't know who would want to walk around a party with their arms tied behind their back all night, but I think this costume should come free when you buy any of the others. Because you'd have to be crazy to do so.

Friday Discussion!

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Fri, 02 Oct 2009 11:15:00 +0000

Happy Friday, bloggers! We made it through another week!

I'd like to start by apologising for my lack of posting this week. I've been insanely busy and in my spare time have been working on something exciting for the blog to celebrate my bloggiversary - which will be here very soon!

Let's get straight into today's post!

The burning question this week is:

If you could be any celebrity for a day, who would it be and why?

I'll be back to my usual blogging self next week and promise to provide lots of fun and frivolity!

SEXPLOSION!

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 14:45:00 +0000

In yesterday's post I gave my readers a challenge - to see if you could find anything abnormal (or naughty) about the image to the left.

A few of you dirty-minded people got it right and I'd like to thank you for just hinting at the answer and not actually giving it away!

For those of you who couldn't see anything, I'll put you out of your misery now! Let's take a closer look at the image, turned upside down and with the offending area highlighted.

OMG, right? And this is just one example of subliminal advertising.

According to Wikipedia: Subliminal messages are signals or messages embedded in another medium, designed to pass below the normal limits of the human mind's perception. These messages are unrecognizable by the conscious mind, but can affect the subconscious.

Subliminal images can be found in magazine ads, movie posters and DVD covers and are designed to make you associate the brand with something else (usually sex) in order to sell you the product. Let's have a bit of fun and take a look at some more examples! [source]

Does anyone else notice something decidedly phallic growing on this guy's stomach?

Look at the palm trees on the right. Tilt your head a bit and you'll see a familiar word.

I wonder what this burrito is supposed to remind us of?

The Skittle with the 'S' on is a bit too close too the word 'EXplosion' to be an accident, methinks.

Coca-Cola is like...a blow job, apparently. Remember that the next time you put your mouth around a bottle!

So, slipping into a new Dodge is like slipping into a...?

And perhaps the most shocking of all is on the video cover of my favourite childhood movie, Disney's The Little Mermaid.

Can't see anything? Let's take a closer look:

Is that a...? It can't be! It is!

Apparently the phallic palace was not a one-off; Disney did things like this all the time. This was to make the films appeal to adults as well as children.

I don't know about you, but I'm scarred for life.

Nic's Being Mysterious...

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Sun, 27 Sep 2009 13:25:00 +0000

Have a look at this ad:

Do you notice anything suspiciously...pornographic about the picture?

Feel free to leave your musings in the comments section and I'll be back tomorrow to explain all!

Wordless Wednesday - FAIL Pics

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Wed, 23 Sep 2009 16:45:00 +0000

Old People Have all the Fun

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Mon, 21 Sep 2009 15:30:00 +0000

Today at lunchtime I was out *cough* shopping (yes, I know I should be saving instead of spending, but I can't help myself. I'm out of control! Anyway, who the hell are you, my mother?) when I overheard an old man and an old woman having a conversation.

The conversation started off quite normally, with the man telling the woman that his wife had just died (that's a popular topic of conversation for old people, I think). The old woman replied, “Oh yes, I heard about that. Did you know that my partner recently passed away, too?”

Still quite normal, although she didn't say, “Sorry to hear that” or anything. The old man said, “Yes, of course. I used to work with him.” To which the old woman replied, “Oh, Bill? No, that was my husband. I had a partner too.”

What the f*ck?

I was in shock at this revelation. The old woman had had a husband and a partner! She was about eighty years old! How did she do it? Did she have an open relationship with her husband? Had she been cheating on him? Or did she meet this partner soon after the husband had died? Was she a slutty whorebag or just a lonely old lady? And most disturbingly: had she been having sex with all these men?!

I didn't know whether to be impressed, horrified or amused, and I left the store before she could make a move on the newly single old man. Who knows, maybe she has a new lover by now.

Friday Discussion!

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Fri, 18 Sep 2009 09:45:00 +0000

We haven't done one of these for a while now so I thought it was about time I brought it back! So this week I want to know...

Are you more of a dog person...

Or a cat person?

and why?

It's Tuesday...and it's Totally Awkward!

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 17:00:00 +0000

Totally Awkward Tuesdays are back! For those of you who don't know, TATs are a bit like TMI Thursdays – not as gross, but just as embarrassing. Check out Nina's blog to read her Totally Awkward Story and find out why she's now hosting TATs in replacement of Tova Darling.

For my first ever TAT, I'm going to tell you about a Totally Awkward Date I had when I was about 19 or 20. I was a bit of a party animal in my younger years and lived for the weekends, when I'd go out with my friends to some trashy club or other and we'd spend the night getting wasted, dancing seductively and pulling men.

On this particular night, I was as drunk as ever and kissing this guy on one of the sofas in the corner of the club. I have a very hazy memory of the night but I must have given him my phone number, because a few days later I received a text from him asking if he could take me out. I didn't remember what he looked like but agreed to go on the date anyway. He said he'd pick me up at 8pm that Saturday and I spent the whole day getting ready. I'd just started to get excited when the doorbell rang.

I opened the door and standing in front of me was this really...ugly guy. And I'm not just being mean. He was hideous and had the worst dress sense ever. Not wanting to appear rude or shallow, I told him I just had to grab my coat and took a few seconds to resign myself to the monstrosity that was going to be my evening. My mum called out from the living room, “So, do I get to meet this hot date?” and I replied, “Erm no, we're in a rush” and pushed him out of the door.

As we walked to his car he tried to put his arm around me and I noticed that he smelled really badly of B.O. I wondered how I could ever have been drunk enough to kiss this guy.

“So, where are we going?” I asked, trying to sound enthusiastic as I lowered myself into his old, run-down and very messy car. “I was thinking I'd take you to see a film” he replied, “Or we could just go back to mine?” Trying to disguise my horror, I said casually, “Well, I think we should have at least one date first, don't you?” and he reluctantly agreed. On the way there, his thousand-year-old car broke down and he actually got out and knocked on a stranger's door to ask for a jump lead.

I was embarrassed just walking from the car into the cinema with him. I was sure people were looking and laughing. In the actual theatre I made sure we sat in a middle row and not at the back in case he decided to try anything. As we waited for the movie to start, he made a joke about me 'kissing his mate' the other night. I was confused and asked what he was talking about, and he told me that it wasn't him I had been kissing in the club – it was his friend. He had then got my phone number from his friend's phone and texted me to ask me out.

I was livid at this admission and should have just walked out, but I'm far too polite for that. After all, I thought, it was my own fault for being so drunk I didn't remember who I kissed, and he had just paid for my ticket and some popcorn. So I sat through the entire film feeling uncomfortable. He hadn't asked me what movie I wanted to see and just bought two tickets to Scooby Doo 2. WTF? Not my kind of thing at all. And I hadn't even seen the first one so why on earth would I want to watch the sequel?

During the film he tried to put his arm around me twice. The first time it happened, I got up and said I had to go to the toilet. The second time I managed to 'accidentally' spill my popcorn on the floor to distract him. Then he went in for a kiss and I had to pretend I was engrossed the stupid film and didn't want to miss any of it.

The flick seemed to last forever but when it finally finished I jumped up straight away and walked out with him in tow. We got into the Deathmobile and he just sat there looking at me expectantly. “What?” I said. “So what do you wanna do now?” he asked, “Back to mine? Or are you hungry? We could go to McDonald's.”

The whole thing was getting more and more ridiculous. “Actually,” I said, “I'm really tired. I think we should just call it a night.” He tried to protest but I insisted that I was really tired and felt a bit sick (which wasn't a lie – being trapped in a car with him and his smell was making me feel ill, but I blamed it on the popcorn I'd eaten) and he eventually agreed to take me home.

“Thanks for a...lovely evening” I said as we pulled up outside my house. I leapt out of the car as soon as it stopped to prevent him from trying to kiss me again, and said cheerily, “Call me!” although I had absolutely no intention of ever answering any of his future calls.

As I opened my front door, I realised that my mum had been waiting up for me so she could hear all the juicy gossip. “So, how did it go?” she asked eagerly, “You're home early, what happened? Where did you go? Did you kiss him?”

While she was interrogating me, I could hear my date outside trying to start his car and failing. I was silently praying that he wouldn't come and ask for a jump lead, but a couple of minutes later came the dreaded knock on the door. My mum almost ran to open it in anticipation. I ran in the opposite direction, up the stairs, and cringed as I heard my mother exclaim, “Nic? This is your date? You really went out with him?”

Obviously, Mum doesn't have the manners I do.

Lessons I Learned the Hard Way this Weekend

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Sun, 13 Sep 2009 23:01:00 +0000

Tight jeans can be sexy...unless they're so tight they cut off your circulation and stop you breathing.

Just because a shop has a sign in the window saying "Everything must go!" does not mean you have to buy almost the entire store.

It is possible to shop too much. And I probably didn't need two pairs of the same shoes in different colours.

If you stand in the way of a small boy with a toy lightsaber in his hand, he WILL hit you with it.

A tattooist who incorrectly spells the word tattoos on his shop sign should NOT be allowed to ink you (I warned her...)

Innocently sucking on a stick of rock makes a lot of men leer and shout obscenities at you.

You should change your phone number after a break-up. Unless you actually want your ex-boyfriend to drunk dial you in the middle of the night, months later.

Inebriated friends are fun when you're also smashed, but when you're sober they're just annoying.

So as you can see, I had a very...educational weekend. How was yours?

This Post is About Masturbation...and Chickens

pinknic_uk@yahoo.co.uk (Nic) — Sat, 12 Sep 2009 11:00:00 +0000

My guest blogger this week is Cheryl from Confessions of a Twenty Something Year-Old, which was one of the first blogs I read when I started this blogging malarkey. After almost a year, she still manages to make me laugh out loud with every one of her posts...and today she's here on my blog to entertain you guys!

So I was stalking Nic’s blog the other day, and she posted about how she was looking for a guest blogger (probably because she’s too lazy to write her own posts) and I was all like, “No way! What a fantastic opportunity to forcibly spread my thoughts on someone else’s blog!” So I wrote her back, and was like, “I’d love to guest post for you!” and she was super enthused about the idea, so now here I am, and actually, I don’t even know what to talk about because she didn’t give me a topic, so I guess I can talk about whatever I want – like how today, as I was walking home from work, I saw this guy whacking off on the side of street, and everyone just walked by completely oblivious to the fact that his penis was hanging outside his pants, while I just gawked in horror, with my jaw opened wide and everything, and I'm pretty sure it made me look like a huge pervert, but whatever.

He was masturbating in public. In the rain.

But that wasn't even the worst part of the night. I got home soaked from head to toe from the penis watching, and when I finally reached home, I turned my key, opened my door, and there was a fucking rooster just walking around like it owned the place, and when it saw me, it started flapping its wings like it was possessed, and I'm not sure what freaks me out more, the fact that there's a rooster hanging around my house right now, or the fact that it was raised by Satan.

Update: I just found out that my maid brought us the chicken from her farm as a gift, and that it's not possessed, just scared shitless, and that she was going to make it for us for dinner, but my brother was too scared to kill it, and she couldn't do it because it was against her religion or something, which is why it's just hanging out here in our living room, and not in a pot.

I hate birds.